she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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