I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
