what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
