i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
