I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize