i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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