just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
