Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize