no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
