Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
