Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
