Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
