You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
