Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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