If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
