I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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