i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
