She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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