I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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