My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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