First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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