i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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