WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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