I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
