Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
