Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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