i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
