You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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