and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
