I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
