Fuck appropriateness.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
