It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hippo gnu deer
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
