So drunk its hurt
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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