So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
