planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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