Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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