Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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