help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
