it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
