i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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