We're facebook friends in real life
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize