After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
