my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
