Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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