the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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