Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
