I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
