literally had 100 drinks last night.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
meet me or not, i'm out of control
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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