I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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