Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
