My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
