I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
