Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
