You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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