Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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